I’ve read a few articles like this, usually written by handsome internet-famous people (“weblebrities” is what they prefer to be called, I believe) and thought that I’d contribute. I’m no internet rock star or anything. This blog’s only been around for seven months (I had a blog before that which was highly acclaimed, but we don’t talk about Fight Club) and I’ve only been using Twitter for 249 days (neat website for keeping track of that), but I’ve developed a decent following that I appreciate the dickens out of.

This blog has had over 22,000 visitors in the last five months, despite the fact that I talk about beaver testicles. I can only imagine how awesomely successful this blog would be if I did anything worthwhile, like finish my book or bring short-pants back into style for guys or invent a way to put on a pair of pants both legs at the same time (I suspect this would involve rocketry to some degree).

I’ve also got over a thousand followers on Twitter (1,218 to be exact), which isn’t a whole lot compared to people like @feliciaday or @wilw or @ActuallyNPH or even @neilochka, but I still think it is kind of inexplicably awesome.  As long as I’m beating out people I know in real life, I think I’m doing pretty good. I at least feel like a weblebrity.

Anyway, so I’m writing this, not to totally show off my wicked stats, but so people know what to expect when they follow me on Twitter (hence the title). If you plan to follow me on Twitter, keep these points in mind. There are twelve thirteen of them, just FYI.

1. I’m not here to tell you how to use Twitter; I’m just here to threaten you when you use it wrong. If you’ve got a robot linked up to your Twitter account that types horoscopes and inspirational quotes all day, that’s a deal breaker. Also, where did you get a robot!?
2. If your Twitter profile picture is something other than your face, then I’m probably not going to follow you back. If I can be brave enough to show my face on Twitter and all over my blog, then so can you, Elephant Man.
3. If your avatar picture is of your face, but it’s you when you were a cute little kid… you’re technically obeying the letter, but not the SPIRIT, of the law.
4. If your avatar picture is of your nude body, that’s a technical foul and I won’t follow you.
5. Unless you’re hot.
6. I tweet most days, nearly every day, and sometimes I tweet 100 times in a single day. If I go a day without tweeting, send help. I’m probably trapped under old newspapers in my basement like Principal Skinner in that one episode of the Simpsons (the one where he gets trapped under old newspapers in his basement).*
7. If you mention me (@chrishokeblog) I’m going to respond to you. Seriously, I’m not popular enough to blow anybody off. There’s nothing you can say that will offend me, either. Interacting with people on Twitter is something that I enjoy and encourage.
8. If, for some reason, you mention me and I don’t reply to you, it’s probably because I hate you for something you said.
9. I’m never going to lie to my followers about what I’m doing in real life, just to seem cool. That trip to French Polynesia last weekend? It totally happened. I know, I couldn’t believe it either. Neil Patrick Harris just called me up out of the blue and was all, “let’s go para-sailing in Bora Bora this weekend, C-Dog!” We’d hardly even spoken before that call.  And since. (Call me, @ActuallyNPH. I swear it won’t get all weird this time, dude.)
10. I’m a gentleman. No, really. But occasionally I will say the “s” word or the “f” word. I encourage you to think of these words as a special treat, like bits of Gorgonzola cheese in the salad of life, and remember my philosophy on swearing**.
11. Despite all my rules, I’m probably going to follow you anyway. But that doesn’t mean their meaningless; it means they were made with good intentions but lack substance.
12. I’m not going to change just so you like me. That’s not who I am. I’m a loner at heart, Dotty. A rebel. I’m the original bad-boy and I’ve got something to prove. That’s why I wear this leather jacket. You can’t tame me. And there ain’t no jail that can hold Chris. You just try to keep out of the way and no will get hurt.
13. Unless it’s a small change that will make you like me, then, yeah sure, why not? What am I, made of stone? (I’m actually made of pure awesome-sauce, that’s why I’m so popular.)

Well, I think that just about covers it. And remember that it’s not you, it’s me. Unless it’s you. Then, it’s totally you. Oh man, it’s so you it hurts.

Sincerely, @hokeblurbs

* – If you can tell me the connection between the episode of the Simpsons “Bart The Murderer”, you know, the one with Skinner and the newspapers, and one of the famous Twitter users I mentioned in this blog post, then you’ll win my very last Google Wave Invite. I’m serious. I just found one more. Put your answer in the comments section. Contest OVER!

** – My philosophy on swearing is this: there is nothing ungentlemanly or rude about swearing when it is done under the right circumstances. Furthermore, there are Three Distinct Stages of Swearing that a young person passes through:

1. You swear. All the time with no regard to the sensitivities of those around you.
2. You realize that it is ungentlemanly to swear, and you watch your tongue all the time.
3. You achieve true communicative enlightenment and realize that it is not only acceptable to swear, but, under the right circumstances, it can be preferable, more poignant, and highly entertaining. So you swear.

You may find yourself in one of the stages above, and in my effort to appeal to all of my readers/followers, I hereby make amends to you, at whatever stage you’re in:

To those of you who are in Stage 1, watch your filthy tongues, you rogues. And to those of you who may still be in Stage 2: I deeply and sincerely apologize for offending your delicate sensibilities, and urge you, with the utmost respect, to get the fuck into Stage 3 already.