This happens more often than you’d think. The trick is to stop the training before getting into hand-to-fin combat and edged weapons.
“No, I swear, it was the dolphin! The dolphin acted alone! You have to believe me!”
Archive for the ‘film’ Category
The Day of the Dolphin
Friday, February 5th, 2010Sci-Fi Friday: 20 Retro Sci-Fi Movie Posters
Friday, January 15th, 2010It should come as no surprise that a major influence on me (aesthetically, creatively, sexually) have been the great (and really awful) sci-fi films of the past. I grew up steeped in the sci-fi films of the 80s (Back to the Future, Innerspace, Batteries Not Included, Flight of the Navigator, Ghostbusters) and I’ve got a soft spot in my heart for them. Or it’s a hereditary condition.
Valerie Perrine
One of the first films I can remember seeing was Total Recall (still one of my favorite films) and it had a huge impact on me. Guns, alien technology, holograms, robotic disguises, mutants, triple-breasted whores; the film had it all. From there, I tore through all of the Kurt Vonnegut, Philip K. Dick, and Asimov books I could find and began tracing a chaotic route through sci-fi cinema. My own dear Mum introduced me to Blade Runner, my Dad slyly recommended Slaughterhouse 5 (I think Valerie Perrine left an impression on him, and she did the same to me) and I discovered, on my own or through the helpful clerks at my local video store (which was called – I’m not making this up – “The Video Droid”) Logan’s Run, Soylent Green, Planet of the Apes, 2001: A Space Odyssey, Fahrenheit 451, Plan 9 From Outer Space, Giant Gila Monster, Attack of the 50 Foot Woman, The Fly, Mothra, and, of course, Them!
This explains my fascination (I think) with retro-futuristic robots, ray-guns, giant insects, and mutated half-human-half-whatever monsters. As an offshoot of my appreciation with old sci-fi films, I’ve come to appreciate the old movie posters that heralded their release. With their bold splashes of color, campy poses, babe-stealing robots, over-dramatic typography, and awesome artist renderings of the actors and actresses, they were often better than the movies themselves. It’s in the interest of exposing the damn kids of today that I’ve scoured the internet (for literally dozens of minutes) to bring you this collection of retro sci-fi movie posters. Enjoy!
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Sci-Fi Friday + Saturday Review: Avatar Reviews Review.
Friday, December 18th, 2009Without doubt, the biggest thing happening in science fiction right now is the new Avatar film from James Cameron. While I haven’t seen it yet, I’m a little surprised by all the reviews and Twitter talk I’ve been reading about how great this film has turned out. I mean, I was pretty firmly on-board the hate-train for this movie and now everyone’s transferred to the U. S. S. Liking It? WTF, mates? I mean, look at those cougar noses!
WTF IS THAT?! It looks like a smurf-bobcat crossed with a Vulcan. It looks like it ate some of that Willy Wonka gum that turned Violet into a blueberry. It looks like it’s asphyxiating. And those are the biggest eyes I’ve seen since Elijah Wood’s.
Anyway, I’m not going to let a little thing like “not having seen the film” deter me from doing a review. But, in all fairness, I can’t really go about reviewing the actual film, so instead I’m going to review the reviews of the film in this week’s Sci-Fry Fiday AND Saturday Review (because I’ll be at a party getting quite charming tomorrow)!
The Bri’ish Telegraph’s Avatar Review by Mark Monahan (Four Stars) – Does this movie really deserve a review that begins “Seldom in the field of film-making can one man…”? Really, Monahan? You’re going to start us off with an epic “seldom”? Monahan goes a bit more deeply into the actual plot of the movie than many reviews I’ve read, but his whole eco-minded “this movie will save the planet and it’s heart is in the right place” angle seems a little French. Also, I really dislike the term “eye-popping”. It seems like something I’d want to avoid. I do like the fact, though, that he talks about how over-hyped this movie is, but then he spurns my love again by saying that all the hype is true and it’s the best thing since sliced spotted dick or whatever the English equivalent of bread might be.
Groucho Reviews’ Avatar Review by err… Groucho? (Three Stars) – Wait, the mineral that everyone’s after is seriously called “unobtainium”?! Wow, that’s, like, the worst name ever. That’s like naming your main character “John Everyman”. That said, I enjoyed this review’s whole “escapism/acting/wish fulfillment” angle, but he lost me when he wrote the phrase, “deep in the eye-popping jungle”. Then he won me over again when he called the Na’vi princess “Pocahontas in digital drag”. Well played, Groucho. Well played.
Reeling Reviews (I get it!) Avatar Review by the Cliffords (B-Minus) – This review actually made me sleepy while reading it. According to the Cliffords, there’s some imagery of a falling tree that invokes memories of 9/11 and then there’s… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
MTV’s Review of Avatar by Kurt Loder (Stars are soooo passé right now.) – Wow, this guy’s still around? I guess when you get older on MTV, they just shuffle you off to the writer’s booth. Actually, I respect Loder not just for that thing he did to Jewel that one time, but also for the casualty of his prose. This is probably the best Avatar review I’ve reviewed so far. I enjoyed Kurt’s curt, mocking tone and his knee-jerk reaction to anything that young and hip people worldwide are pretty roundly enjoying. Stay tuned to the MTV website for Kurt Loder’s forthcoming exposé on lawns and how Mr. Loder feels about you kids being on his lawn in particular. (Spoiler-alert: he doesn’t like it!) Go curmudgeons!
Flicked Off, with Mary HK Choi: ‘Avatar’ at The Awl – Best review I’ve ever read. This review actually made me excited about Avatar. Some highlights: “I am SO GAY for this movie that I can’t stand it.” “I am a happy meniscus that your spite sauce slides off of.” “I feel like I’m trying to tell you in mashed potato.” Regarding people who might think about bit-torrenting the film: “that person is a hope rapist that should be shot in the face for dream treason”.
I’m officially in love with Choi’s review and we’re going to make baby reviews together. Then, long after our passion for one another has cooled, I’ll stay with this review because it completes me. Later, in our twilight years, when this review loses all of it’s memories of our long and happy life together, I’ll make a notebook of our beautiful love. Every day I’ll visit the minimum-security rest-home where Choi’s review lives and I’ll read to it from the notebook in hopes that it will remember. Then, on the rare night it actually remembers, we’ll have a brief moment of lucid passion before it forgets again and has to be put down by rest-home staffers like an angry wildebeest. I love this review that much.
A Smattering of Twitter Avatar Reviews
@theMovesMusic: Caught Avatar at a midnight IMAX screening (in 3D of course), the story was Dance With Wolves Part 2, but Zoe killed it and JC created ART.
@mattnewton84: avatar was amazing. It feels weird being attracted to a 10 foot tall blue alien girl… whatever… she was hot…
@varka: I sadly can’t really begin to describe Avatar; I’m kind of lost for words to describe it. I’ll need like 24hrs for it to sink in.
@rainnwilson: I will go see Avatar, quite simply, because I friggin love the color blue.
@chrishokeblog: ZOMFG, Twitter SUX for movie reviewz! LOL! ROFLMAO!!!!1!! #lame #avatar
The Verdict
So, from what I’ve gathered by reading these reviews, watching James Cameron’s Avatar is like having your eyes popped out in a mesmerizing jungle of blue cougar-people where everything is a metaphor and nothing isn’t lushly rendered in over-the-top, agonizingly-brilliant, multi-colored, computer-generated beauty. And it’s ART. And @RainnWilson is funny.
Stay tuned for next week’s Saturday Review when I might actually review Avatar itself! Meanwhile, I’m going to go read Choi’s review just one more time…
♫Once… Twice… Three times… a review…♫
Hot Fall Fashion: The Tauntaun Costume
Thursday, November 19th, 2009When you decide that you’re going to build something as ambitious and ubergeeky as a fully articulated and mobile costume of Luke Skywalker riding a tauntaun (like in Empire), it’s important to remember to build it out of 100% pure win. You’re not going to want to cut corners in this regard, because a lot of places out there will try to sell you Fail at such a great discount that you’re going to be tempted. Bite the bullet and spend the few extra bucks for top quality Win, and get the imported stuff when available.
I’m happy to report that this is exactly what Scott Holden did when building the incredible costume featured in the video below. He must have worked long and hard on it, which is especially admirable considering that the tauntaun will undoubtedly freeze before it reaches the first marker.
Check out the design/build photos over here.
Hoth, ftw.
Remember, Remember.
Thursday, November 5th, 2009Just in case you don’t have time to properly celebrate Guy Fawkes Day, here are the best parts of one of my favorite movies.
Happy Fifth of November.
At Least Three Dimensions of Excitement.
Wednesday, September 30th, 2009There is a new Resident Evil movie in the works (RE: Afterlife) and, like everything that’s coming out these days, it’s in 3D. Flying mustachibats couldn’t keep me from seeing it.
She’s not winking at you, buddy, she’s just got something in her eye. Probably some dust she stirred up from kicking ass.
But, really? Just 3 D’s? Yawn. Wake me when you’re hitting the more exciting upper dimensions. Pride and Prejudice in 5D? I’m there. My brain will explode like a Flatlander in Times Square, but I’ll be there.
Upper-dimensional turn-of-the-century films narrated in free indirect speech aside, it would be an understatement to say that, when it comes to new movies coming out, especially in the sci-fi genre (and zombie movies totally qualifies), I live for this shit. Milla Jovovovovich has been a favorite since 5th Element, and while some parts of the Resident Evil series have been so bad that I’ve attempted to erase my memory of them with copious amounts of beer, there have been some great scenes that I’ve enjoyed a lot. Namely the scene where Milla fends off zombie-crows with a psychic fireball attack, as shown here:
The wife and I saw Final Destination 3D a week ago. Not my proudest moment, but it was the wife’s turn to pick the movie and I usually make her sit through something boring and educational, so I had it coming. Does 3D add anything to the experience? Good question, self.
It’s like parmesan cheese on your popcorn: you didn’t know that you wanted it, and now that you’ve got it, you’re still not really sure about it. Room temperature popcorn they probably made the night before isn’t very good and that oily butter-byproduct-byproduct that they put on it certainly doesn’t make it any better. Then someone (ostensibly a “friend”) suggests sprinkling a bit of that horrid “parmesan” cheese from the pizza parlor on it, and there you are, sitting there with white powder all over your bag of ‘corn.
You find yourself wondering if perhaps it is just the novelty of it that’s exciting. Perhaps it’s just masking an inferior product, and you feel a bit sick that you were suckered into thinking it was so great (it might also be that butter stuff). Perhaps you even feign enthusiasm because it’s better than being the lone voice of discontent among a bunch of people who seem to be really enjoying it.
And when it’s all over, what you’ve got left is a bag of unpopped kernels that smells rather like a foot and a vague memory of a forgettable movie that you only saw because you got to take home some crappy sunglasses that don’t even block out the sun.
In our case, about ten minutes into the flick the 3D projector committed suicide out of shame. We were the only people in the theater that afternoon, so I got up. After being alerted, the manager of the theater came in and gave us some free movie passes (“NOT VALID FOR 3D FEATURES” it said. That’s helpful.) and then told us that if we stuck around for a few minutes they might even get it fixed. We stuck around for another minutes, snogging loudly, and, lo and behold, they got the thing working again, damn it all.
We endured and, an hour later, both left with a slight headache. (We each had one, respectively. We didn’t share one headache. I’m not that cheap.) I needed a drink and the wife needed a scalp massage. We compromised by going out for ice-cream and resolving never to be suckered into the 3D thing again. Not unless, of course, they made another Resident Evil movie and it was in 3D. Lo and behold.
The movie passes were used up a few days later, seeing Inglourious Basterds. Much has already been said in the blogtopia about the film, so I’ll be brief and hyperbolic: Most. Satisfying. Movie. Ever. The only way it could have been more satisfying is if they’d let every single movie patron fire a machine gun at a Hitler-dummy as we left the theater.
Now that would be a higher-dimension movie experience I could get behind.
Post Of The Living Dead.
Monday, September 21st, 2009The wife and I have a soft spot in our brains for zombies. We’ll see almost literally anything in the theaters featuring the undead hordes and owns a bevy of zombie and zombie-related DVDs. I will shell out money for limited edition zombie-shaped candy. I was the first person I know to read Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. We loved Shaun of the Dead to death. I could go on… and I will!
I enjoy Easter not for the colored eggs or the candy or the bunny rabbits, but for the fact that it’s a day where we celebrate a dead man who rose from the grave. It’s Jewish Zombie Day!
Should the story of the Resurrection be read in a spooky voice, around a campfire, with a flashlight shining up at the storyteller’s chin? I don’t think it could hurt. Should George Romero make a movie about the Resurrection? Definitely. Does asking myself questions and then answering them with only a few words make me sound cool, like Robert Evans? A little bit.
When milady hears of a new zombie game on a console platform that we don’t own, it’s a pretty sure thing that we’ll own said console and game within a few months. A clear example of this is the X-Box 360 and Left 4 Dead I received from her for my last birthday. All of my friends gathered around and praised her for being the best wife in the world, every grown-up little boy’s dream spouse. It’s true of course, but I know my wife: she was looking forward to setting up the console and shotgunning some pixellated brains all over the place even more than I was.
When we go out to eat in fancy restaurants, we like to debate the various pros and cons of fast zombies versus slow zombies in film. I’m a big fan of slow, teeming masses of zombies who chant for brains, whereas she’s more inclined to enjoy a movie filled with fast-moving, hungry “infecteds”.
We’re like chocolate and vanilla, in that regard.
So how do we feel about Zombieland, the new action-comedy-horror-zombie flick coming out in just a few scant weeks, starring my favorite bartender ever, that nebbish little Michael Cera stand-in from Adventureland, that one chick from Superbad, and the little girl who spent all of the movie Signs trying to stay hydrated?
Pretty damn good.
I do, however, think that this might have been in bad taste, though.
BONUS: Here are a few clips of non-gorey zombie-related music for your enjoyment, including my favorite, Jonathan Coulton, troubadour of geekery, (the second one).
