I don’t know exactly what’s going on with my spam lately, but these guys are getting pretty good. I’ve got the Akismet Spam-Destroyer 9000 hooked up to the ol’ blog here, but I still routinely sift through the spam box because, well, I’m desperate for feedback and occasionally a comment from a legitimate person will wind up in there and then they’ll think that I ignored them or their comment was stupid (trust me, no comment is too stupid for me to approve) and then I’ve lost a reader for life and why? Because Spam-Destroyer can’t tell the difference between a real person trying to chime in with their opinion and a robot trying to sell me black-market penis pills.
But lately… I might have to cut my spambot a little slack because it’s getting a little difficult for me to tell them apart, even with my trained and discerning all-organic spam-filtering brain-o-scope. Here’s an example:
Hi there! My name’s Jim and I just wanted to tell you how interesting I find your writing style.
Well, so far so good. How ya doin’, Jim?
This post was very interesting and funny! I think the way you related this story was insightful and clever. It really touched my heart. I agree with you whole-heartedly and applaud this fantastic post. I’ll be coming back to your blog for sure and I’ll tell all my friends about it!
Careful there, Jim-bo. Flattery will get you everywhere.
Indeed, I think your writing may have changed the very way I view life. You make me want to be a better person and I would love to be counted among your friends. Also, I was wondering if you might be interested in VIAGRA, CIALIS, FREE SEX PORN VIDEOS, ILLEGAL CABLE HOOK-UPS, UNDERAGE HAWAIIAN…
Holy crap. What the hell, Jim? We nearly shared a moment there and then you had to go and sink our friend-ship with a torpedo of obscene recommendations (You like that metaphor? You can keep it. Take it to the bank, no charge). You were Ishmael and I was the white whale and we were having a lovely tea party and then you harpooned me right through the eye. Thanks a bunch, bud.
Here’s another.
Hey there, I just wanted you to know that I disagree with this post.
Well, you know, that’s cool. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Sure, this post was about how I’m dead-set against stomping puppies to death, but it takes all kinds, right?
I’m afraid that your information is wrong and your points are innately flawed. If there’s one thing that I hate, it’s an uninformed opinion. And if there are two things I hate, the second one is you.
Hey, now, this is getting a little hurtful. I was merely pointing out in the post that…
What’s more, my butler of fifteen years who read this to me as I lay in bed with a horrible whooping cough, found your post to be funny and insightful. As a result of our ensuing disagreement, I’ve taken out a contract on his life. I hear footsteps coming down the hall even as I write this, no doubt the killers that I’ve hired to bring any residual enjoyment my butler may be experiencing as a result of your blog post to a swift and bitter end. I only hope that his death will keep you from posting such outrageous drivel in the future, though I cannot expect much from a dullard such as yourself. Just in case, after I have finished writing this comment, I will be cancelling my internet service and donating my laptop to a worthy charity.
Wow. I’m, uh, a little taken aback. I’ve never written anything so badly that it caused a life to be taken. I mean, like many bloggers, I’ve had my suspicions, like that one time I wrote about searing gas pains, but never have I been confronted with such proof…
And yet, there is hope for mankind. As I ebb ever closer to death, as this whooping cough wracks my fragile body with explosions of pain, I find myself in a forgiving mood. (Unfortunate for my former butler that it comes several moments too late.) And why not? If Mahatma Ghandi could forgive the English occupiers of India, if Mandela could forgives those who wrongfully imprisoned him, and if Rachel could forgive Ross on “Friends”, then surely I could forgive you for your horrid post. And so I offer to you, friend, an olive branch. Although my time in this world draws to a close, I think we can come to a small agreement: We can agree to disagree on the subject matter of this blog post.
* sniffle* Sure, why not? I’m sorry for what I wrote and I can see that I was a fool! I am unworthy of your forgiveness, and yet I bask in the glory of your words! Thank you! Thank you!
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DAMN IT ALL!! SPAM-BOT, KILL!!
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