Due to a recent work-scheduling conflict and economic deflation, the wife and I have been spending quite a bit of time together at home. And whenever we spend a lot of time together, my wife will inevitably suggest a certain activity that, while I enjoy it, it certainly takes it’s toll on me.
“Do you want to watch Lord of the Rings?” she asked, innocently, a few days ago.
So, the last few days have been spent watching orcs get massacred at Helms Deep, laughing at Legolas’ surfing abilities, talking about dwarf tossing, and just generally mocking Tolkien. We own the full 5-hour-each extended versions, too, of course.
“So, eagles come in and rescue Sam and Frodo off of the mountainside at the end, right?” she asked me today after we’d finally finished Return of the King.
“Yes, that’s what happened.”
“So, why couldn’t Frodo and Sam have been dropped off there in the beginning by the eagles? Avoid the trip altogether, pop into Mount Doom for 15 minutes, toss the ring in, no fuss, no muss, and be home in time for eleventh breakfast?”
“Well, there were orcs there… Gandalf couldn’t talk to the eagles at the beginning… The giant cat-eye would have seen them…” I tried thinking this through and gave up. “Oh, I don’t know. Eagles are dicks?”
“You remember when the eagle rescued Gandalf from the tower in the first movie? Gandalf jumps off of Isengard, ala Marty McFly in Back To The Future Part II, and lands on the eagle?”
“Yes, I remember. The first time I saw it, I thought he was going eat that little messenger bat. Excellent BTTF reference, by the way, babe.” I said.
“Thanks. Anyway, I would have totally done a victory lap around the tower. I would have been all ‘YEEEEEEAH! It’s a f**kin’ eagle, b****! What you gonna do ’bout this, huh, Sarumon?! What you gonna do?! Isengard? More like Isen-lame! Suck it!’ That’s what I would have done.”
“You wish you had an eagle, don’t you, love?”
“Oh god yes.”
Tags: giant eagles, lord of the rings, osgiliath, roc, sarumon
Maybe you and I need to swap spouses because mine does the same! Either that or the original and later Star Wars trilogy get a going over as well!
Funny you should say that because she’s decided to pop in Star Wars (A New Hope) tonight. Great films, sure, but a man has his limits. And she wouldn’t watch Slumdog Millionaire with me for all the galactic credits on Coruscant. If she weren’t so damned cute…
but but Slumdog Millionaire is…soooo…effin good! slap Traci for me, will you? but once again, i lol’d a lot.
I know. Oh, how I know. But once she decided not to watch it, she stuck to her guns. That’s what she does, you know. Mocks movies she loves and sticks to her guns.
I…am your dishwasher! [awesomest head-bobbling shrug evaaar!].
That’s some top-notch security guarding right there. And I’m the *ahem* authority on security guarding.
“What do you want?”
“I, err, am the newest employee of your boss.”
“What will you be doing?”
“Whatta ya got?”
“Well, we need a gardener.”
“Yep. That’s the one. I… am your gardener!”